Wow! I just kept going

I must confess this past month I have been avoiding much to do with the adoption. I really don't know how to describe what I am feeling... I don't want to talk about it; I don't want to blog about it; I don't even want to check in with my yahoo adoption support group; I don't want to sign up for the prayer days; I don't want to read books about it; I don't want to do much of anything. I know that will all change the moment I hear news of us being registered to a region but until then the waiting is just so hard. I'm trying to keep my heart and mind solely focused on the Lord but it is so easy to stray from that perfect spot of peace with Him. Of course due to my own sin...my selfishness, self-pity, laziness, pride...I also have a tendency to easily fall into the lies of Satan...you are not good enough, you are a failure, you have no self-discipline (as if that is what it takes to be in His presence)...I quickly forget that it's not about me and what I bring to the table. I will always come up short. I love God because he first loved me and in return I cannot help but obey Him. There is nothing else for me to do or prove but just to accept his free gift of grace and love, which I have done as a believer but need to truly live out. So simple and yet I feel He is teaching me more and more what that truly looks like...and it is so much harder to embrace than it sounds. He is peeling my layers back. I don't know if I am making much sense right now. Its just a step forward for me to start writing out my thoughts again (even if they do not all make sense). My problem is I can make myself so occupied during the day that I can go for awhile without prayer, seeking Him, thinking to myself, journaling and all of a sudden I am in this rut wondering what happened, why do I feel this way, unable to identify my emotions and how I got so far off course. At times it is easier not to think, not to care, not to deal with the internal conflict...but then I am not truly living the way I know I am called to. Which I have come to find that living with God is not always easy but a constant work, struggle and yet so worth it. Knowing that place with God is like breathing air and I would not dream of not pursuing it. I had a friend in high school who once told me she thinks that "religion" or "Christianity" is for the weak. It's a belief system that helps people who can't handle life feel better and an easy way out. At 15 I really did not know how to respond to that. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I told her that actually as a follower I have found quit the opposite. Life is not easy, there is inevitable pain and suffering for all. Following the Lord is not easy and does not guarantee bliss (that is promised for us in heaven:). As followers the walk is not guaranteed easy. You have to die to yourself daily, you have to fight against your sinful nature and from the temptations that roam this world. You need take a honest look at yourself constantly checking your heart, intentions, thoughts. You live with conviction and conflict. You are called to rejoice in suffering and to love your neighbor. It would be so much easier not to think these things, to let the world numb your mind and heart. To not care. To not challenge your understanding, knowledge. To not sacrifice this life. So why in the world do I choose this life? I have asked myself that question at times. But the doubt never remains long in my mind because like i said my faith has become like breathing air and I would never dream of not needing it. I cannot imagine not loving and obeying my Savior. A life without God creates nothing but a void so great. Even as a follower I still experience this void and I am guilty of turning the Lord from my mind and heart. Going about my life aimlessly at times not fighting to move closer to Him. My biggest struggle being to Love beyond myself. To truly love others, the Lords greatest commandment. And yet here I am on this journey of adoption and the Lord is taking me on this path of extending myself. Adoption was always on my heart when I think back on it. A small seed I never gave a whole lot of thought to. I would tell Joe we were going to have 4 kids and then adopt our 5th:) I probably would have never acted on it, if the Lord did not strongly intervene and redirect us. I would have just got pregnant (like we were already planning) and I know Joe and I would have our kids and then I'm sure I would not of had the courage to step out and make this pursuit happen. I would have gone about my life all wrapped up in my own world not stopping or even really knowing how to truly follow His will. The Lord is a mystery and His workings are a mystery at times but I am okay with that, in fact I love that about Him, and I (like now) can stand in awe of His mystery. Our pastor talked to us about rejoicing in times of suffering and for the first time I knew what that really meant because I had experienced it (which unfortunately like i said before I am a slow learner and need to experience things in life to really understand it). It does not mean to rejoice with a fake happiness...thank you lord for the blue sky today, thank you for the trees...that's what they used to do with mental patients when I worked on a psych floor in nursing school. I used to think these people are severely depressed and sitting around a group saying thank you for the sun is not going to do anything! Anyways got off there a little...true rejoicing comes from a love for our Lord. And coming to a point were all external things, painful things here on this earth don't compare to Him. Through me walking deeper with Him in this struggle I have truly experienced that. I need to love my Lord more than anything else on this earth, more than myself. And that is why I can rejoice in the Lord and it is because of my struggle that brought me to that true rejoicing. Well anyways I think I have gone on long enough and probably have already lost/bored most of you :)

On a different note, I currently have re-discovered my true love for reading. I must confess I have read the entire 4 books to the Twilight series (don't judge). I loved it! I'm a hopeless romantic and the reading definitely helps keep my mind entertained. I have also read more thought provoking books such as, The Last Lecture, The Holiness of God by RC Sproul, and currently Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.

If any of you have favorite books you would like to share I am open and on the lookout for a good read ;)